To my babies,
(Ages 15 & 18!!! how…when…why???)
I miss you.
I miss you fitting on my lap,
your sweetest brightest smile when you would wake up from your nap,
Your looking at me with such uninhibited love,
It felt like my personal spotlight.
Your infectious giggle, your chitter chatter, your sheepish mischief.
Your ‘mama you come’ every minute of the day.
I miss you perched on me, snuggled into me, like my very own koala,
I miss us living in our private rosy bubble,
I miss you…even though I still have you.
So hard to explain….
And now that you’re all grown up, I must send you out into this world.
But I need you to know, I’m still here.
Whenever you need just a hug or a chat, or to bail you out of anything, and I mean absolutely anything, I’ve got your back.
I’m so proud of who you’ve become.
But for all the coming moments when you won’t need ‘mama to come’ everywhere, I must say a few things to you today.
(I know, I know…what’s new?! But just leaving it here for you to read…some day, or in parts. For your reference only, feel free to disagree.)
I’m sending you out into a world which loves quantifying success. It loves measuring it in numbers…grades, awards, wealth, sizes, followers, titles, hierarchy…
It’s a sad hectic world of comparisons and cutthroat do-whatever-it-takes competitions.
And here you are, born to a mother, who has always been a slight misfit. (Thank God you also have Dad’s genes)
I’m of the unpopular, unconventional opinion that my children’s accomplishments should be measured in the life skills they’ve learnt.
What did each experience teach them? Did they grow as a person? Are they now better prepared to tackle whatever life throws at them next?
If yes, to me, that was a win.
To the overachieving world this may sound like a lazy mum’s guide to parenting. Some may think of my advice as a waste of potential. So out of touch with reality.
Almost as though I’m setting my own children up for failure!
And I would have agreed….
Had they all been happy.
Had there been peace.
Had ‘they’ really known what they were doing.
But I think we all know, now more than ever, that all this ambition has caused our species to single-handedly destroy this beautiful world not just for ourselves, but for every other.
Nobody really knows anything!
So why not give my way a chance?
1)
Your life is a story; in each moment you’re playing a character.
Watch the events of your life unfold like a movie and ask yourself, what is my role here? How best can I contribute?
This is true even for the most mundane.
Whether you’re driving or brushing your teeth.
Being entertained or creating.
Whether you’re the employer or employee; guest or host.
Even when we do nothing, our bodies are constantly doing a lot.
In every moment you have a duty towards yourself and those around you.
Analyse this responsibility.
2)
When something is your responsibility,
step up, show up, get it done!
Ignore all conflicting thoughts of how much you…
love it,
hate it,
would rather do something else,
really don’t feel like doing it,
Whenever in doubt; whether someone deserves it or not,
Neither for the love of praise, nor fear of punishment,
Overcoming feelings of
it’s boring…awkward…difficult!
There’s simply no excuse to not do what you’re supposed to.
3)
However, worry is a wasted emotion.
Once you’ve done all you could and there’s nothing else that can be accomplished in the moment, don’t waste it in anxiety.
Despite planning everything, you cannot control anything.
This thought is liberating!
Only two things are truly in your control:
your efforts;
and how you respond to the situation.
Manage these with grace.
That’s the real test, which determines how your future will unfold.
Hand the rest over to God and switch off!
4)
Plan and prepare with passion, but remain indifferent to the result.
Learn to:
fail with dignity, with absolutely no embarrassment, taking things in your stride with sportsman spirit.
And more importantly, learn to succeed with humility and kindness.
Whatever is destined to be, WILL BE!
either through us if we’re chosen, or despite us…but never because of us!
5)
This one moment is your only home. The only place you truly get to be!
Everything else – the past, future, somewhere else with someone else, exists only in your imagination.
And predicting the future, which you are not authorized to write, is such a waste of creativity.
Like a bubble machine shoots out bubbles, it’s the job of the mind to shoot out a million thoughts and possible scenarios.
It’s your job to choose which ones to play with and which ones to squash.
Train your mind to remain where your body is.
Be wholeheartedly with the people in your presence.
Tomorrow may never come as you’re imagining it, or it may no longer matter. You’ll be a different person with a lot more strength then.
6)
Competition, in my opinion, is the stupidest human invention.
Comparison, our biggest downfall.
We may cleverly disguise it as inspiration but we all know it fuels envy and unhappiness.
Just because someone declares a race where you’re standing, does not mean you’re obligated to run it!
This conditioning, that we have to constantly prove ourselves is dangerous!
Contribution – no matter how small, is what should be valued.
7)
Your family and the people who come into your life are chosen for you.
Tied to your destiny. For the growth of your soul. Your joy, sorrow, sufferings are linked to theirs.
Generations before you were raised on two words…
Compromise and adjustment.
These are golden life skills. Practice them with the people you love.
It’ll make you neither a martyr nor a victim. Confusing niceness with weakness is a flaw in our society.
Some relationships are far more important than proving your point or winning the argument.
Helpful hint: the trick to being patient is doing something else in the meantime.
8)
For every person you interact with, even briefly, there will always be a slight power dynamics at play. Sometimes it shifts within the same conversation.
Sometimes you will be stronger, wiser, better…often not.
Be aware of this. And whenever you have even the slightest upper hand, the onus lies on you to be nicer, kinder, never condescending, never superior.
No matter what you’re going through, don’t take it out on everyone around you.
Unless your pain is directly caused by someone, there’s no excuse to not be warm and respectful to everyone you meet.
Everybody is fighting their own battles.
Try leaving people happier than when you found them.
9)
Arrogance, even if it is very well concealed, is the most unattractive quality.
10)
So is entitlement!
If you can read and comprehend this…on your own mobile phone…you’re already privileged.
Nobody deserves the best always! Life hasn’t signed a special contract that guarantees things will always go your way.
If you didn’t ask “why me?” on your good days, you have no business asking it on your bad ones.
Don’t dwell on the unfairness of the problem. Don’t be a victim!
Be your own 2am phone call! Be a problem solver!
11)
They say you know who your friends are when you’re down…in your bad times.
I find that’s not always true.
Sometimes you know who your friends are in your good times…from the ones who can be genuinely happy for you.
There’s only very few. Cherish them!!!
12)
Neither someone’s words nor their actions matter…it’s their intent!
If it was not meant to hurt you, let it go.
13)
However, when people lose touch with their conscience, they can justify any behaviour! And they love company.
Trust what your instinct is telling you about people’s energy.
The one who plays victim is not always right.
The stronger one is not always the bully!
People you dislike can be right,
People you love can be wrong.
Don’t allow blind loyalty to cloud your judgment.
May God give you the wisdom to know the difference.
14)
Sometimes knowing when to quit is as important as perseverance.
Selflessness is an admirable trait. But it quickly crosses over to resentment if you’re taken for granted.
As the saying goes,
‘givers have to set limits, because takers rarely do.’
After you’ve given something (or someone) everything you’ve got with every fiber of your being, doing some load-shedding (politely) becomes important!
May you be granted the strength to recognise when it’s time to draw that boundary. And no, you’re not being a bad person if you weren’t being valued.
15)
People love the sound of their own opinions, and they have many! These are generally formed based on the most entertaining, gossip-worthy narrative. The truth is often completely missing from their essay on your life.
Try to be amused and entertained by their creativity.
Don’t compromise on living your best life because of the ‘spotlight effect.’
It’s not your job to:
change anyone’s opinion;
explain your decisions;
or convince people to agree with your choices.
When you know you’re right, you won’t need anyone’s approval.
16)
Nobody in the history of this world has been able to please everybody.
Perfection is a flawed concept! Imperfections make you real, likable, unique.
Don’t let anybody intimidate you. They’re not paying your bills.
Enjoy your hard earned money. But don’t waste it trying to impress anyone.
Success comes in many forms. My respect is for the young child who left the safety of her home, and moved all alone cross-country to work for someone else’s family, just so she could send some money to hers.
I’m in complete awe of parents whose young son joined the army to protect complete strangers like you and me, whom he will never even meet.
17)
Envy is a bitter toxic feeling that can burn a hole through good sense. Although it’s natural to wish for something that someone else has (we wouldn’t be human otherwise.)
But what if, you didn’t get to choose just that one thing? What if you had to take their whole life along with it, in exchange for yours?
Would you still want it?!
Enjoy life in your own lane, with blinders firmly in place.
Contentment is the greatest blessing!
18)
Take breaks! Animals know what they’re doing when they retreat into caves deep within the forest, licking their wounds.
Heal in the magic of nature, surrounded by towering mountains and a million trees.
Be anonymous in strange, busy cities.
It helps to put things in perspective.
It helps to understand how small and insignificant your troubles really are.
We’re merely a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. This thought frees you of a lot of self-imposed burdens.
Overhearing conversations in a hospital’s lobby is also a great leveler.
You’ll hear more sincere and heartfelt
‘Just leave it to God, miracles do happen,’
from men of science than you will in places of worship.
19)
Laugh a lot! Laugh lines are attractive. They’re proof of life.
Your sense of humour is a blessing. It makes the most monotonous mundane days bearable.
I read this quote once that got me through a tough time…
‘Everytime you find humour in a difficult situation, you win.’
20)
Boredom leads to creativity. Allow yourself some time to do nothing.
It later translates to everything!
21)
Listen to your body. Feed it what it needs.
You’re a living, growing human being.
It is the job of inanimate objects like clothes to fit you, not the other way round.
The world within social media is an illusion. Don’t confuse it with reality. Use it to entertain you, not to enslave you.
Objects that you own, should bring you joy and be your accessory, never your identity.
22)
This next one’s not a compulsion, simply a request.
Roam the earth, travel the world, do whatever your heart desires. Live life to the fullest.
But if you ever are in a position to generate employment; to be a job giver, try giving back to your own people.
Be a part of the India Story!
23)
Our values, our culture, is everything the world needs right now.
Look for the science in every story and ritual. There always is! Go back to the times before the adulteration of it.
Our heritage contains the wisdom of God’s design.
24)
Live life with HOPE! Always every minute of every day have HOPE!
When it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, cling to any silver lining that you can find.
A trick I use is imagining a scenario worse than mine. There always is.
Even at rock bottom, someone has it harder than you. Your worst day is still someone’s ideal scenario.
Remember to be extremely grateful…for all that you have; the smallest of joys…
the bird at your window, the flower that bloomed unexpectedly and brightened your day.
But more importantly, be grateful for all the things you’ve been spared. (Life can be very creative!)
One step at a time. And this too shall pass.
25)
Life is not going to be pain free. That I can guarantee.
You will suffer as much as you will celebrate.
People love assigning labels of lucky – unlucky, fair – unfair, or my favourites..manifestation and the evil eye (as if anyone could have that kind of power).
The truth is, our balance sheet gets carried forward from many lifetimes ago.
what we receive;
how much we suffer;
why certain things happen only to us;
why evil gets away with murder;
these answers we will never be privy to.
‘What goes around comes around’…is true, but misleading!!
It never comes back in the exact degree and manner as what was done.
Actions accumulate for years and lifetimes, until they snowball into something gigantic, storming into our lives when we least expect it.
Good or bad, our own actions (though we may not remember them) have been the cause, and therefore the effect has to be borne only by us.
Accepting this; being better in this lifetime;
realizing it’s an opportunity to pay back and clean the slate for a better tomorrow,
makes life liveable.
In conclusion,
I wish it was all easy to follow.
I wish I could say I’m able to myself.
Truth is, I falter (as you know) a lot…
My advice (as you also know) backfires…a lot.
Yet, it’s what I tell myself constantly, repeatedly.
Because I’ve found, the higher the benchmark you set for yourself, the less complicated life becomes.
Introspect everyday…not as your defense attorney, but as an impartial judge & jury.
Keep your conduct correct, do things for the right reasons…
and the numbers that this world loves, eventually do follow.
It’s time now…
to go find your way, be your own person. Let the world dazzle you!
Enjoy this most exciting chapter of your life! It’s all yours to do as you please.
God IS already your Saarthi! May you be able to drown out the noise and consult only Him with every breath.
I’ll be praying for you, every single day.
Yours idealistically,
unconditionally,
always & forever,
In longing for the sweet sound of your…
‘Mama’
Nitya Alwani Satyani
P.S : When you were little I wrote another list for you. A simpler one for simpler times of your life. Read them again please. They still hold true.
Sunset Effect - Nitya Satyani 