Unpopular Opinion:
As my first born turns into an adult later this year…there’s something I need to say for myself, this Women’s Day.
Something I’ve bottled up for far too long, that I’m sharing only because I know there are a few who feel the same way.
18 years ago, I became a mother. But it was much before that really…maybe I was 7, when I looked at my mum with a heart overflowing with love and decided I’m going to be a mum just like her when I grow up. That was the day I made my most important commitment. This was my grand ambition, my life’s plan. Not just something to tick on my must-do list as per society guidelines.
Yet over the years I’ve had moments, many moments actually, where I’ve gulped down an acidic mix of shame and the feeling of falling short.
When I meet near strangers, social acquaintances, people I’m obligated to make small talk with, at strained dinner parties or enclosed elevators.
Those who ask me what I do and then try very unsuccessfully to mask that all too familiar look of disdain and disappointment in me.
Then can’t resist following it up with, ‘but now your kids are so grown up. So you just sit at home?’
And then I carry with me their incredulous expression that lingers for days, the one that says do you not see, you could have been so much more than just a stay-at-home mom?
To those many well meaning people I’ve met over the years who somehow became personally invested in my growth and development, I would like to say today what I couldn’t that day (either out of courtesy of not ruining someone’s dinner party, or my desperate avoidance of confrontation, or because I was caught, like a deer in the headlights of judgment.)
Yes I am aware! I see my kids towering over me. I know they no longer fit on my lap.
I’m also well aware that:
I too, like many, could be wining and dining, shopping and socializing and doing whatever my heart pleases every single day.
My urban education has put me in a place of privilege and I’m not living up to my full economic potential.
Mums all over work, either to fulfill their ambitions, or be productive members of society, and still balance motherhood beautifully, and I’m rooting for them all the way.
But most of all, I’m painfully aware that I fall short compared to those mums who would love to stay at home, but have no choice in the matter.
They work because they must, in order to provide for their children a world they want them to have.
And compared to these moms, and these moms alone, I’m very acutely and embarrassingly aware that being a stay-at-home mom is an absolute luxury. I know I have an unfair advantage. But believe me, this entitlement is not something I take for granted.
It’s just that…
I love being planted in the center of our home where every member of my family (not restricted to my kids) knows exactly where to find me for a stray hug…of which there are many.
I love it when they return home bursting with stories to tell.
And pull my leg in fits of laughter, because that’s when I know all is well.
I’m right there to be their shoulder, their rock, the soldier in their battle, when things aren’t fine.
And believe it or not I also have brain cells to share when they need to strategize.
I like being their back-bone and strength when a stand is to be taken,
because that’s how I know I’ve raised responsible citizens.
And in the telling of all their stories, often spilling one over the other,
I also love it when they sometimes forget I’m there and start advising each other,
because that’s how I know they’ll be each other’s safe space even when I’m not around.
(‘coz making herself eventually dispensable, is the strength and success of a good mom.)
So in these 18 years (that flew by too soon), to the many who’ve asked what I do all day, I want to say…
I’m still not done fulfilling the commitment I made to myself one day when I was just 7, and looked at my strong mother with my heart overflowing with love.
But I am definitely done pretending I didn’t see the look you sent my way.
So maybe you have some explaining to do. In these times of inclusion and pro-choice, this is the choice I willingly made.
When our woke, liberal world is so supportive of the oh-so-progressive choices of others who are still deciding whether they identify as human…can you not school yourself to normalize my choice, to follow my natural instincts, with more regard?
Have I made this choice out of some glorified sense of maternal self-sacrifice?
No.
Am I an overbearing, interfering, paranoid, helicopter mom?
I’ve been careful not to be.
Do I expect my family to return the favour some day?
Most definitely not!
The truth is, being a mom has been my selfish, guilty pleasure, just like fitness enthusiasts love their sport, or addicts love their substance (all of which sound much cooler, I know.)
But what you don’t realize is, I’ve been simply blessed that I didn’t need to go far to ‘find myself’ and feel fulfilled.
Being around my family (once again not restricted to my kids) is :
my yoga camp,
my Himalayan adventure,
my exotic beach destination,
my music festival,
my girls’ trip,
my career high,
my contribution to society,
my magnetic pull,
my happy place,
my universe.
Maybe by society’s standards I DO nothing, but I would rather focus on what I AM.
I am happy and fulfilled.
Happy being their emotional sponge and glue!
Their backbone and North Star!
The manager of their mundane!
The warrior princess should you dare mess with any of mine!
The proud owner of the hidden (yet to be unleashed) potential to rule the world if I choose!
And unleashed it shall be, make no mistake about that…
But I am on nobody’s timeline!
P.S – shoutout to the most wonderful man in my life, who reminds me whenever I need to hear it, that what I do isn’t minuscule and neither is it overlooked or thankless.
Thank you for your love, for valuing my opinion and taking my advice, for treating me as an equal.
Thank you for reminding me ‘what you do isn’t easy’, ‘we are all lost without you’.
Thank you for never disrespecting me by asking , ‘but what did you do all day?’
Sunset Effect - Nitya Satyani 