When mum and dad lie

Warning: not recommended reading for conservative adults who cringe and embarrass easy

Dear Kids who are lied to,

We are very aware that some of the responses we parents give to your many questions, are confusing and disappointing to say the least.

‘You’re still too small, you won’t understand’

‘I’ll tell you when you grow up’

‘It’s not for your age’

And the biggest lie of all…

‘I don’t know’

Here’s the truth…We know. We always know! (Well unless it’s something related to science or math homework, then we probably are not lying. We really may have no clue.)

But as for the rest…

the questions you ask us on the birds and the bees, on hoardings you read, and ads you see…

Sometimes about life and death and what happens next…

About inclusion of all and why we adults don’t contribute more of our time towards saving the planet…

About religion and persecution…

Politics and economics…

Or more importantly, why his bedsheets smell like her?? (thank you ED Shareen!!)

Let me tell you a secret, we know all the answers but we don’t want to discuss them because we are not prepared to have that conversation yet. Because we like to believe we have the imaginary key to a magical gate between your innocent childhood and the big, bad adult world and we want to keep you locked in there for as long as possible.

Or some of us lie because these conversations make us uncomfortable and we don’t know how to explain it, since nobody really explained it to us. A lot of us just learnt things along the way, by watching movies or when we accidentally witnessed something and had an ‘Aha!’ moment, and we now hope that is how you will figure things out too.

Because, let’s be honest…

No parent is going to introduce their kids to porn. It’s just unnatural and disgusting.

Nor will most admit that masturbation is normal. I know parents who don’t even want to talk about the natural functioning of the human body…like a girl getting her periods, especially with their sons. Because “we will tell our daughter when the time comes…why does she need to know yet?”

And the sons…they apparently don’t need to know at all!

Or then we buy you informative books, or hope they do a class on sex education in school, or even send you to professionals who hold such classes.

But not every parent wants to freely talk about your curious questions at home, as part of normal dinner time conversation.

Still! Even In 2020!!

And I’m as clueless as you are, as to why?

Dear parents,

Why are we more comfortable palming off what should be our job and responsibility to a stranger who, we assume, is more qualified to talk to our children, than we are?

Sure, they may more efficiently give them all the general facts and the figures, the science and the statistics.

But what about the specific feelings that our children go through?

If I am not comfortable having all kinds of talks with my children now, then who are they going to turn to as they grow, when life throws obstacles their way? Am I not basically giving them the subtle hint that there are professionals for everything…your problems, your education, your questions!

But our children look to us for more than just information. Behind every question or what seems like random conversation, there is also an emotion! Something that they are feeling but don’t quite know why. Is it not our job, as parents, to explain, support and defend these feelings no matter how embarrassing it may be?

It’s right there in the parenting manual between breastfeeding and life insurance policies. But most prefer to skip those pages.

But we forget this generation is not content with our awkward attempt at buying time with an “I’ll tell you later.’

Because we live in a time where, in every single home and family, there is a third and possibly more proactive, hands-on parent raising our children…

Google!

And this is very different from when we were growing up and would ask our equally clueless friends things, and piece together our half baked ignorance amidst blushing giggles and behind closed doors. Today, when they ask it a question, Google gives them more information, supported by visuals, than anybody needs to know.

Therefore, before we lose full custody of our children to it, let’s be the professionals that we are supposed to be, welcome our children into the grown-up world as soon as they are curious enough to ask questions about it, and casually provide them the information they need.

With the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Age no bar! And without judgement, because Google never does.

We no longer get to say “when I was your age, I didn’t know this!”

Well here’s some breaking news for us relics, those were the 90’s!

It’s difficult…It’s scandalous…It’s controversial… it’s stupid! Maybe…But it’s also no longer an option.

 

So kids,

On behalf of the parenting community I’m going to attempt to answer a few of your questions, very briefly but very honestly, even though it’s going to make my friends cringe and possibly fume. Because we owe you, kids. And I can no longer pretend that if I don’t talk about it, it will never happen to my family.

Drugs : yes, we’ve all tried some. We didn’t plan that trip to Amsterdam for the tulips.

But no, we don’t want you to. So we lie. We are very, very afraid you will succumb to peer pressure. think it is ok to try, then proceed to get addicted. We want you to know drugs cause irreversible damage to your brain and body, and complicates your life beyond repair.

Sex: it’s exciting and wonderful but can also range anywhere between boring to damaging, scarring and traumatic if you are not in love or your partner is not sensitive to your feelings and needs. It’s definitely worth waiting for someone you love, or at least really like.

As for why the mention of it is everywhere, all around us, in songs, in movies, on T.V, in jokes…because sex sells! For the longest time it was forbidden from being spoken about and therefore it feels rebellious and liberating to break that social taboo.

Alcohol and driving: this is the last time these two can ever, ever be used together. You must never drink and drive! The only reason I’ve grouped them is because you need to be an adult before you try either. And preferably try both with your parents for the first few times as practice, until you get good enough to manage both in public.

Gender distinction – Yes, girls and boys are equal. Yes, both can and must do whatever they choose to. No, there is absolutely no difference. But here’s the part that gets uncomfortable for me to admit.

Yes, girls must be more careful about their security because there are psychopaths out there, whom I refuse to classify as male or female. They are simply sick, twisted demons. Sadly society has not yet figured out a way to tell them apart from the rest of us humans.

So until then, when we parents restrict your movements it isn’t because we don’t trust you, or are trying to suppress you. Which brings us to…

Rape and violence – these are very valid and active fears of a parent, and it is more common than you think. For both genders! So please try to understand our point of view.

Sure, you can dress as you please. Go where you please. With whomever you please. But be prudent. Be wise. Be appropriate. Please follow the ground rules set by your parents and make wise decisions. Conduct yourself with dignity and go out in groups. It’s true! There is strength in numbers.

Death and divorce of parents: yes, people do lose their loved ones. It happens. Even to children. There are no guarantees in life. So if you’re worried or wondering ‘what if’, it is not an irrational fear and you are not alone.

But try not to think about it too much and pray for the best. Because life becomes unbearable when we are constantly worried about the unknown. Besides, your worst fear may never come true.

But know this…Nobody is indispensable. In event of the worst, your life will go on, despite it all. As it should. There’s nothing you, as a child can do, to prevent the bad from happening and though it may feel unimaginable right now, strength comes to us when we need it most, but never before. So rest assured, someone will step up to look out for you and with time, you will come through.

Infatuation?

Unrequited love?

Heartbreak?

Body shaming?

Humiliation?

Without a doubt every single one of us has been through them all and we promise to help you get through it when you inevitably face yours. Trust us, talk to us. Don’t hide your feelings and pretend everything is fine when it really is not. You may not believe it now, but nothing you go through is so embarrassing or exclusive that it hasn’t happened before. It helps to talk about it with your family. Together, a solution can be found for any situation.

Suicide is absolutely never the answer! It is the worst kind of imprisonment and slow death that a child can give his/her family. So I’m going to repeat this. Everything can be solved with the help of people who love you.

Suicide is just not an option!

For any further clarifications on any, all or more of the above please don’t be afraid to consult your parents. It is your birthright even if they may have forgotten it.

And on a parting note…

Yes, we do know what ALL the jokes in ‘Friends’ mean!

#parenting #motherhood #children #love #lifeslessons #lifegoals #humanity #lifeslessonsfrommyfather #thingsiwantmychildrentoknow #hope #coping #betterworld #loss #failure #success #parentinggoals #childhoodgoals