Mind your manners, parents!

Scene 1: Unfolds in a pediatrician’s clinic that was exceptionally crowded. The receptionist explained that there had been an emergency delivery that required the doctor’s presence at the hospital and therefore he was running terribly behind schedule. Children of all ages, most with runny noses that were buried in gadgets, displayed more patience than their more frustrated parents. One mother who seemed exceptionally restless and irritable struck up a conversation with me mostly complaining about the delay as she was a lawyer and had clients waiting. I sympathised with her, truly I did. She had two children under the age of 12, one of whom was a budding swimming sensation already competing at state level. I cannot imagine juggling a highly intense career along with raising two children much less meeting the rigorous schedule and discipline that a competitive sport demands of both parent and child. Her frustration was palpable and rightfully so. I could practically see the wheels in her mind turning as she kept requesting the receptionist to ensure she got taken in first, once the doctor arrived.

Meanwhile, her younger child with the curiosity of a seven year old was peering into the video game that another child was playing until he left it in favour of his evening snack.

“Do you mind if my child borrows your video game for a few minutes?” the lawyer asked the other mum who, of course, obliged. Her child was merrily occupied for the next five minutes, when finally the doctor walked in. With the stealth of a ninja, this lady carelessly and casually discarded the video game on the table, pushed her older child forward and rushed with the younger one to follow him into his cabin, queue be damned… without even a thank you or a smile in the direction of the stunned mother who had allowed her to borrow the game!

Scene 2, completely unrelated to the former, took place an hour after my doctor’s visit (once routine vaccinations were administered to mine), at a newly inaugurated recreational skate park at a seaside promenade in Mumbai. Children of all ages, who enjoy stunts on their bicycles and skateboards, were excited at this surprise addition to their lives. As I took my children to visit, one of the first things I noticed was a group of children between the ages of 5 & 7, with matted hair, also runny noses (because germs never discriminate) and ratty torn clothes, huddled around a young mother and her two children.

The mother couldn’t know I was there because I stood behind her in the crowd with a huge planter between us, so I happened to overhear their conversation. She had just allowed these children, who said they lived in a slum nearby, to try out the skateboard that belonged to her kids. Needless to say the joy on their faces was contagious and everyone around enjoyed watching them as they took turns experimenting on the skateboard. Many even stopped mid-stroll to snap quick pictures of them on their phones, possibly for Instagram because we live in a time where everyone has a need to document everything, but feel nothing!

These children of course being a resilient lot, asked the mother who lent them the skateboard if she could gift them some.

‘Didi mereko bhi ek laa do na’ they boldly demanded. Some even proceeded to give her a list asking for kapade, payal, joote aur khilone.

The mother actually smiled and said ‘theek hai idhar hi ruko’.

‘But won’t I be late for my badminton class?’ I heard her older one ask, quite hopefully. And with that they left in their car.

I can’t say I was even a little surprised when they returned within half an hour, badminton class clearly missed, with four spanking new, colourful skateboards. The children at the park who may or may not have believed her when she left, so used were they to disappointment in their lives, were ecstatic.

Two very isolated, completely unrelated incidents had unfurled before my eyes, in the space of a few hours, causing me to take notice of the magnitude of what I had witnessed.

You see, in both cases, these mothers had two children each. And the educationalist in me who has been trained to watch for reactions of children and how our behaviour impacts them, observed how the actions of each mum transformed a little something that would forever influence the lives and actions of two human beings.

Two children learnt that day that, because they belonged to a unit that was highly educated, career oriented and had very busy schedules, they were somehow more important than others and entitled to be treated as such. They learnt that their time was so valuable that not a second could be spared on a warm smile and thank you to a stranger who had helped them. They learnt that what was no longer required in their lives must be thoughtlessly discarded.

And later the same day, I watched two other children learn that, yes our time is important but there is far greater joy in doing good for someone else if you are in the capacity to do so. And if it entails a slight modification of your time, money and schedule, it is important that you take the effort to make that adjustment. There is a higher force at work at all times and there is a reason you have been put in a position to help.

The mother at the park need not have come back, after all who was going to hold her accountable? She very easily could have smiled and given any excuse to the children. She had already done more than others present there by allowing them to try. She didn’t need to spend her time and money on getting them new boards.

‘Who knows? Maybe one of them has the talent and potential to make a career out of skateboarding. They will never know until they try. Is it fair that they have to always sit on the sidelines and restrict themselves to watching more affluent children enjoy the public space?’ I heard her explain as the three of them held the children’s hands and taught them how to skate.

And it made me realise what they mean when they say ‘actions speak louder than words.’

What we parents often forget is that every casual act of ours, will go forward into this world exponentially, repeated in the actions of our children.

Today our entire world is a hotbed of protests, crime, violence, discrimination and injustice. Every single morning we wake up to a brutal reminder of the death of humanity.

‘Humanities’ is now just the subject of Ted Talks and university curriculums, to sit proudly on a student’s reaumè. Instagram posts, twitter trends, whatsapp forwards, are all screaming for help, ironically begging human beings to be more humane!

If not now, then when will we wake up and realise that it’s time for us parents to be held accountable, at least in part, for the chaos that is this world. It is the values that we impart, or rather forget to, that are responsible. Urban parents especially need to re-evaluate. Of course it’s not fair for me to judge or preach. It is a tough, hyper-stimulated, dog-eats-dog world out there. I don’t live in denial.

We have to teach our kids to be smart, competitive go-getters. Manipulating situations to work in your favour maybe a necessary skill to impart. But it is for us to also ensure that this rationale of ‘survival of the fittest’ doesn’t allow our conscience to fall into an endless slumber. It cannot always, and only be about us. Every individual has a responsibility towards society, community and the environment.

It’s time for parents to take the onus of creating a better world.

We do everything in our power to ensure the care, comfort and development of our child’s body and mind, but we need to remember that we are responsible for nurturing their soul too. For the karmic footprint they will create for their own lives and leave on our world.

It is easy to not prioritise this because goodness doesn’t transcend into immediate, tangible success.

It doesn’t bring in money.

But for those who still don’t see the value attached to it, you need to refer to future trends. Artificial intelligence and technology are advancing at such a break neck speed that very, very soon machines will take over every single thing a human being can do. In every field!

So what then will be our job?

It will be the skill of being human!! People who are good at connecting with others…who will take time to listen and help…to be inclusive and make people feel good about themselves…who care about the environment and its problems…people who are team players and not just authoritarian leaders, they will be the ones with the higher chance at success. Because those will most likely be the only value a person can add to a job that is otherwise getting done with or without them.

Kindness will be our primary skill.

“Can we take pictures to post on Instagram?” I recall her ten year old daughter ask the mother in the park.

“No” the mother firmly replied,

“When you do something for someone, you are not doing them a favour. You are doing it as much for yourself. It immediately makes you feel better about yourself. So it is not entirely selfless.

Today, you have been rewarded with their happiness and their blessings. That is a lot in return for a few skateboards.

You can either get paid in blessings or claim credit. Not both for the same deed. And the power of blessings is much, much greater.”

If I have one deep regret from that day, it is this…

I wish I had asked that mother her name. I wish she conducted a class on parenting and humanity. I know of at least one student I could have sent her way!

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