The Monster Under My Bed

I once read a story about a boy who had a recurring nightmare. In his dream he was always being chased by a scary monster while he tried to run away as fast as his little legs could carry him. The monster was big, bloodthirsty and terrifying and if he wanted to save his life, he simply had to keep going. Each night, just as the monster was about to catch him, the boy would wake up, drenched in perspiration but saved from the terrifying monster for the time being.

This went on for several nights, leaving him craving a decent night’s rest. One night, he decided that enough was enough. Tonight he would face his fear, will himself to stay asleep and confront the frightening monster of his dream who had made him dread the arrival of night and darkness.

So he did! That night, as the monster chased him through a dark, deserted corridor, instead of waking up in a fright, he let the monster catch him to see what would be his horrific fate.

He expected the worst. Had prepared himself to face any eventuality in his dream. But to his absolute surprise, when the monster finally caught up with him, he simply stopped and stared at the little boy. The confusion on the monster’s face mirrored the one on the boy’s.

“W-wwho are you?” the little boy stuttered.

“I am the monster of your nightmares. I’ve been chasing you for many days,” replied the giant.

“What are you going to do to me now?” the boy gathered his courage and asked.

“How should I know?!” replied the monster.

“It’s  your dream…you have to tell me what to do!”

(Story courtesy: The Speaking Tree)        

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I wish I knew who has written this story. I wish I had written it!

Because it has had such an impact on my mind. Sure, the world is a dark and evil place. But most of the darkness that frightens us, comes from within us. We create our demons and then give power to them. If you think about it, most of the fear we deal with; the things that worry us, are really just our own thoughts, rather than real events.

And parents seem to have a specialized team of brain cells exclusively dedicated to this very purpose. Fuelled of course, by all the horrible news that we read.

When our children are in bed, we imagine them rolling off.
If they are walking down the street, we imagine freak accidents such as cars or trees falling strategically onto them.
If they return home five minutes later than promised from the neighbour’s, we visualise every single paedophile, kidnapper, murderer, suddenly lurking on the staircase of our apartment, somehow miraculously having passed the security.

Clearly, monsters aren’t hiding only below our children’s beds, but under ours too. If we weren’t pretending to be so grown up all the time, we might just have asked our children to peep under our beds to check for them, just as we look under theirs.

But of course, being worried is part of our job profile. So we effectively manage to keep our children safe by foreseeing and shielding them from any perceivable danger, well, at least most of the time.
But is it possible that the fairy tales we read to them have had a greater influence on us, where we believe our royal tots need to be rescued all the time?

And how does this affect our children?

Are we subconsciously passing on our fears wrapped neatly in a fairytale complex onto them? And are we inadvertently setting them up for disappointment in the process?

*The Red Riding Hood Complex: where we believe our children are always the poor, innocent victim in every scenario, desperately in need of protection. We see the world as ‘the big bad wolf’ and our children, always in need of rescuing. So whether it is a fight with another child or selections of the school team, we miraculously appear like the axe-wielding woodcutter, sending out a message that mom and dad will solve it all. But for how long, is the question?! When we overprotect our children from all threat…be it junk food, adulterated content on TV, or that imaginary, notorious kidnapper…we deprive them of that moment of toxicity which is required for our children to learn to sense danger, evaluate a situation and develop skills to shield themselves.

*The Cinderella Syndrome: where, in our minds we play a dual role. That of Cinderella who was deprived of life’s many comforts that were rightfully hers. And then, of the fairy godmother who now bestows on our children, the absolute best that life has to offer.

Dress, vehicle, ball and all…delivered to their doorstep before they can even think to ask for them.

Except, not every princess at the ball got the prince. There was only one Cinderella! Can our child handle it if they’re not the one?

Moreover, being a princess at a ball comes with all the trappings of a glittery shiny world of do’s and dont’s; rules and etiquette. Shouldn’t we just let our children be children, minus all the frill and fancy?

Isn’t it unfair of us to project the shortcomings of our childhood onto our children and to constantly try to overcompensate for what we missed?!

*The Jack and the Beanstalk Complex – where we warn our children not to venture out into the beyond, on the road less travelled. Don’t try to overachieve, because there’s sure to be a scary giant lurking somewhere, making sure you don’t succeed. So we set a carefully constructed, safe path for them to tread on, laced with goals that we have set for them.

But as parents, isn’t it our job to nurture, guide and help our children unearth their talent without the unrealistic expectations that our children must follow the safety net of our projected ambition?!

Yes, the world is scary. And we have to keep our children safe. But maybe we need to stop imagining that every single horrific headline that we read is going to become a chapter in the story of our lives. Maybe it’s time to breathe, every time our imagination goes into overdrive and let life happen to our children, come what may. To take a chance on that picnic, excursion, snorkelling or skiing adventure that they want to go on, without visualising every fathomable danger from shark to terrorists, just waiting to strike.

Maybe it’s time to give our happy, independent, well-adjusted children…happy, independent, well-adjusted parents!

Statutory warning: the views and ideas expressed in this blog are the writer’s own. Please read all scheme related documents carefully and decide what’s best for your child at your own discretion. Because after all’s said and done, this writer still plans to ask her children to look both ways twice over, before crossing a one-way street!!

Oh well, old habits die hard!!

#parenting #motherhood #fears #children #anxiety