Should I….Shouldn’t I??

Since the birth of my first child, or rather since the beginning of my pregnancy itself, I have faced several dilemmas over various parenting decisions I’ve had to make, but the question always remains the same.
Should I?….or shouldn’t I??

Should I take the epidural?
Should I co-sleep with my baby?
Should I feed the baby formula?
Should I use disposable nappies or cloth diapers?
Should I pierce my daughter’s ears?
Should I send them to pre-nursery at 18 months or wait a little longer?
Should I send them to a school that follows the I.C.S.E board or opt for an international board?
Should I be a stay at home mom or a working mother?

…..And the list goes on! Each of these questions and several more like these, have consumed hours of my time causing me much anxiety. People around me have only added to my confusion by presenting completely contradictory opinions with utmost conviction.

“Of course you must take an epidural. Nobody’s giving you an award for bearing the unrequired pain.”
“Why should you take epidural? How do women give birth in the villages without any?”

“No you should not co-sleep. The baby will never leave your room.”
“Co-sleeping is the best feeling. They grow up so fast. Enjoy every moment with them.”

“Bottle feeding is great. It keeps the baby full longer and they sleep better.”
“Breastfeeding is best for mother and child.”

…..Well, my children are way past the breast feeding phase now, but believe it or not, I still do not have definite answers to most of the questions that have plagued me along my motherhood journey.
Yet here they are….all grown up and so far, so good….they seem just fine.

What’s not fine however, is the visible grey hair I’ve accumulated over the years. And the hours of anxiety, debate and discussion fretting over the littlest things. Some of these such as the great school debate, for example, has definitely outlasted the time I spent pondering over whether or not I should marry my husband, when he had proposed!

And now, in hindsight I wonder, if a monumental life changing decision like that took me less time to make than what kind of nappies my baby should wear, then there’s something very, very wrong with the pressure we new mothers put ourselves through, and more so, with our society that subjects us to this kind of self-doubt.

I remember the time when my daughter was three months old and fell asleep on my shoulder in the park. As I carried her and made my way back to my car, an elderly lady stopped me to say, “Didn’t  you bring your pram? I have a grandson the same age and we never carry the baby. They sleep better in the pram.”

Of course, as has become second nature, I immediately broke into a justification saying my baby hates her pram and fusses too much when put in it. It’s just easier to carry her.

“Because you’ve spoilt her now. She’s too used to you,” was her accusatory explanation.

As I walked away to my car, my friend who was visiting from America and was with me at that time asked me how I knew the lady.
When I told her I didn’t know her at all, her eyes widened in shock.

“You mean a complete stranger thought it was ok to come up to you and give you advice on how you should bring up your child?? And you actually bothered to give her an explanation even though you’ve clearly successfully raised a four year old already?? This would never happen in America!!”

That incident stayed on with me for days. Because it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to me.
Whether it was a well meaning aunt commenting on my children’s food habits or a friend weighing the pros and cons of bottle feeding, people think it’s absolutely alright to advise and comment on the efficiency of new mothers?!

Is it because we mothers, so badly want to do what’s best for our children and have the approval of other’s, that we practically have a stamp of vulnerability on our foreheads?

Now that I’ve ‘been there done that’ twice over, does it makes me somewhat of an expert, in a position to dole out my advice and opinions to every new mother I meet?
Because honestly, by now I know everything!
I’m not being arrogant…..I really do!!
I truly am right about everything…but only everything that concerns my own child.

The truth is, I know absolutely nothing about raising someone else’s. Every single mother has her own journey to make, her own conditions and situations.
Parenting is 100 percent instinct driven and a mother’s instincts really should be her only guiding force.
There simply isn’t any right or wrong.

If some parents choose to bring their three month old to a crowded movie theatre exposing them to noise and germs that really should be their lookout.
If another chooses to not take her child out of the house at all for a year and keep her sheltered in a bubble that should be up to them.

Everyone has their opinions of course but they really should be refrain from inflicting their judgement on to the parents and keep their point of view to themselves.
Each mother knows what to do. And if she doesn’t rest assured she’s struggling very hard to figure it out. The least we can do is not add oir opinions to her confusion, unless asked for it.

So, I hereby pledge to make a very conscious effort to not impose my expert parenting advice on any other expectant or new mother.
In fact, my only advice to every new mum out there is….
Do not take anybody’s advice!

Learn the art of smiling politely and nodding along when you receive some unsolicited advice. (Because let’s face it, we are Indian. It’s what we do)

Do exactly what works best for your child and comes naturally and convenient for you to do.

Parenting is a personal, private, crucial journey, one that should be enjoyed to it’s fullest by a family and can be done only by cutting the rest of the world out. Rest assured your child will adapt to your parenting style. And both mother and child will turn out just fine!
Happy parenting to you!!

(This post was originally written for Johnsons Best for Baby Campaing and can also be found on Mycity4kids.com on my page The Occupational Mother)