Social Etiquette – The Problem Beyond The Maths Problem

Child in Grade 1: “Teacher, my partner is eating snacks from my boxTeacher to partner : “Don’t do that”

Child in Grade 4: “Miss, she’s calling me names” Teacher : Don’t complain to me. Go back to your place.”

Child in Grade 7: “Ma’am, they make fun of me behind my back”

Teacher : “solve your problems yourselves.”

How often do different versions of these scenarios play out in front of us and almost always end in the same way?

As parents, teachers and caregivers we feel responsible for the growth and development of our children.

Academically, our schools and universities excel in bringing out the best in our children.

Their physical education and extracurriculars range from challenging to grueling as we raise professional athletes.

However, there is one aspect of life, a rather important one I think, that is being completely ignored, universally. And that is, social education or the ability to live amicably in society. Put simply…How to get along!

As adults, we consistently continue to either trivialize or blatantly ignore our children’s social skills.

If it’s isn’t a math problem, it isn’t a problem!

But getting along with other people, learning to work around their quirks, understanding that as important as your own feelings are, not all people are the same, and knowing how to handle that, could be a key strength. Our world continues to virtually shrink day by day resulting in increased social interactions in every field of our lives.

Today nothing is impossible to achieve, the magnitude of personal ambitions and corporate goals are at an all time high. The sky’s the limit for our accomplishments, which therefore makes teamwork an essential necessity.

Yet, these basic life skills refuse to get the time of the day from curriculum planners or even parents.

Raising kind, decent children who deserve to inherit the legacy of our world, and not think of it as their birthright, is very much a part of our parenting portfolio, as is ensuring that our children have our assistance, should they be the victims of negativity in any form.

Agreed, nobody taught us how to politely ignore the pesky neighbour, or the class bully. It’s something you just deal with on your own.

And now our children should too!

After all, you cannot predict what kind of people they will meet or the experiences they will have. So they must learn to deal with things. Except, when they cannot and it permanently alters their personality or in worse cases leads to extreme steps like suicide.

When our child has a cold or comes to us with a scrape or scratch, we immediately spring into action, attending to the wound or dispensing medicines.

However if the problem isn’t physically visible or academically important, we are more often that not quick to dismiss it, asking them to figure it out on their own. We’re all guilty of this and in our defense, we did offer a solution the first fifty times or so.

But as children grow, things that worry them grow on an emotional scale too. That boy they like, the girls that are mean, the hurt that they feel when they don’t make it to the school team, or are victimized on social networking sites.

Of course, schools today have counselors but going to see one, in the child’s mind, is akin to acknowledging having a problem which is the last thing a growing child wants to do. To voluntarily give their peers yet another reason to ostracize them.

However, if we prioritized social education as part of our curriculum, dedicated some time each week for an informal chat with a teacher or counselor who has the time, who wants to listen, whose job it is to hear, it would definitely offer a great deal of support and confidence to our children.

When we were young, our teacher would play a game called ‘Fish Pond’.

You write down your thoughts anonymously on a chit of paper and drop it into a glass bowl which she would then read out loud.

This could be a compliment to a classmate or a complaint against, or then a personal problem one faced at home. The teacher was available to listen and counsel the class in general.

Additionally, as parents, instead of focusing on the question

‘What did you do in school today?’,

we should ask and try to offer solutions to life’s more pertinent ones such as,

“Who was lonely in class today? Did you sit with them?”

“Who got picked on by his friends?”

“Did anybody make fun of a backbencher?”

“Did you do anything to help?”

“Is it always easy to get involved?”

“Who made you laugh?”

“Did you make anyone laugh today?”

“What made you proud/ happy today?”

“What made you sad?”

“Did you have an embarrassing moment today?”

“Who consoled/helped you when you were sad”

“Did you feel left out at any point?”

Some may argue that this equates to mushy mollycoddling of our children. I want to point out, that today the adult world has gone far beyond personal accomplishments. Like it or not, even success today depends a lot on marketing, networking, and social skills. In order to advance in any field, having good interpersonal skills is not just an advantage but a prerequisite. So it might help us if we prioritize it soon.

Things we should be paying attention to:

•what our children are saying even if it doesn’t concern matters of academics or extracurriculars.

•Have the patience to draw out shy and quiet children from their shell

•Inculcate empathy and sensitivity towards others in our children

•Involve children in plays, musicals, environmental projects, social service and drama (without any pressure to excel) so they learn to work together and also appreciate what they have

•Do ‘nothing’ with your child. In our quest to structure every moment of their lives it is something we’ve forgotten to do. But it’s in those seemingly unimportant moments, like an aimless drive, a stroll to nowhere, in front of the TV, right after their bath….when a child spontaneously converses.

•Encourage not just sports, but sportsmanship. Along with the personal achievements, laurels and victories learning how to handle defeat is vital.

What stayed with me long after watching PV Sidhu’s iconic match at the Rio Olympics, was not just her hard work, determination and dedication (which has of course earned her all my respect) but more importantly, it was her attitude after she lost the gold. With the simple act of picking up her opponent’s racquet which she had discarded on the floor and offering the winner a warm hug, she won many hearts, world over. Winning a silver medal in the Olympics, undoubtedly made her country, coach and parents proud. But her spirit bears testimony to their upbringing. While my children were no doubt inspired by her sport, I was inspired to become that parent who cultivates such sportsmanship!