My daughter baked a cake from scratch! A really miraculous achievement since I had feared she would be genetically challenged in the cooking department. She did it against all odds, without my help (which is a blessing in disguise, really). She selected her own ingredients, and mixed them well, and I helped her use the oven.The cake was delicious! (theoretically I have taught her well). And she was understandably elated even more so, at the thought of sharing her accomplishment with her best friend. Surely she would be as excited for her.
Well, she wasn’t! I suppose she mistook my daughter’s enthusiasm as bragging and didn’t like it.”So what’s the big deal? Even I can bake a cake. Mine turn out even better,” she snubbed her, deflating all of her joy in a moment. I watched her face fall and then confusion and anger flickered across it.”Why is she so rude?” My daughter vented. “I’m not going to give her a piece of my cake!”
She even complained to her brother who had no idea why her friend was acting this way (poor guy, for him it’s just the first of a lifetime of such situations when he will never know why girls behave the way they do). In any case, he did his best to help, and suggested his sister forget about it and give her one piece anyway. But his solution only infuriated my daughter further because, you know…..how dare he defend the friend being her brother and all.
Hours later, just before they fell asleep, the entire episode was obviously still playing on her mind and she asked me again why her friend had reacted that way.Well, what could I say? My babies were growing up. They were clearly graduating from the basic toddler-age feelings of being happy, sad, hungry or sleepy….and entering, unfortunately, into the grown-up world of playground politics.
Feelings are complicated.They aren’t just black or white, good or bad….they’re more like greys and rainbows, I tried my best to explain, realizing now was a good time to help them interpret their feelings. It was one of those much-needed conversations to have, so I struggled to find the right words.We feel many different kinds of emotions, a lot of which even we grown-ups cannot identify or justify. Some are like thick, grey thundering clouds that leave you feeling heavy and gloomy. Sometimes these grey clouds come altogether. You feel hurt, angry, betrayed, embarrassed, sad all at the same time. But fortunately no moment can last forever. So give it some time and after a little while the storm passes and you find clear skies with a bright, beautiful rainbow waiting for you. That is how our positive, happy emotions make us feel! And each day is made up of a little of both. I believe no feeling is ever wrong, we have to allow ourselves to experience all, but our actions and how we react to them are what we need to control.
“Which feelings are the grey ones,” they wanted to know. There are so many, my darlings, so we decided to make a list using examples, that would help us recognize them the next time they came.
1) FEAR- This is what you feel when you’re sitting in the park when suddenly, without warning, a big dog comes up and sniffs you;Or when you’re friends challenge you to dive from the highest diving board but something tells you to stop.It’s a scary feeling but it’s your body’s way of protecting you from what it perceives as dangerous for you.
Bring out the RAINBOW:You need to trust your instinct and judge whether there really is something to be afraid of, or not. If there isn’t, then try to face your fear and get over it.If the dog is stray, stay very still until it leaves, but if it’s a pet of someone you know then maybe it’s ok to get over your fear and pat it’s back. After all, a dog sniffing you is simply their way of saying hello.
2) ANGER – we feel this often and need to learn to manage it well, because words once spoken cannot be taken back.We feel angry when someone says something rude to us, hurts our feelings or sometimes when we can’t have what we want.
Bring out the RAINBOW:Breathe and walk away from whatever or whoever is making you angry. It’s not as easy as it sounds because you will want to be just as rude to them or scream at them but you have to try. After some time, once your anger leaves your body, it’s a good idea to go back and discuss the problem calmly.
3) SORROW – that’s a fancy word for feeling sad. We all know this feeling too well. It’s the one that makes us cry.It’s what you feel when your friends make a group and don’t include you in it,Or when you want a mobile that all your friends have, but I won’t let you get one.Or when your friend in class moves to a different school and you miss them.
Bring out the RAINBOW:When you’re sad it’s best to talk to someone who loves you and whom you trust. Parents and siblings are perfect for that job because they will feel your sorrow and do their very best to cheer you up.
4) Guilt – when you fight with your friend, you both say some mean things to each other. But once the anger has left you, you still feel heavy within. You no longer feel as bad about what she said, instead you feel worse about what YOU said. That’s guilt!
Bring out the RAINBOW:Saying a real heartfelt meaningful sorry is usually the only remedy for guilt!
5) Anxiety and Nervousness – is that feeling which doesn’t let you sleep well the night before your school concert, because you’re imagining how you will go onto stage alone and speak to an audience the next day. It’s the fluttering of butterflies that you feel in your tummy when you worry about what is going to happen.
Bring out the RAINBOW:Nervousness is not always bad. Sometimes it makes you work harder and do better. But once you’ve done your best to prepare yourself for the situation there’s nothing else left for you to do.That moment that you’re worrying about won’t come any faster if you worry more.And more often than not, things seem worse in our imagination. So just think happy thoughts and distract your mind for now. Whatever is meant to be, will be!
6) Betrayal – that’s the hurt you feel when someone you love, trust, or go out of your way to protect doesn’t do the same for you.Like when your friend was not happy for you.Or when you think your friends and family are not taking your side and defending the person you’re angry with.
Bring out the RAINBOW:This one is painful because it makes you wish you hadn’t loved or trusted someone as much. But often we maybe overreacting. Calm yourself and listen to all sides of the story. Give them a chance to explain themselves. If you still feel they’re wrong then maybe it’s better to not meet them for a few days until you can get past the incident.
7) Embarrassment – this one makes your face feel warm and cheeks turn bright red.Like the times when you fall in public and everybody laughs,Or when you accidentally left your pants unzipped and everyone noticed and pointed it out,Or when you tried out for the school contest and were hoping to win but didn’t.But you have to remember it’s very, very temporary. People may laugh for a few minutes but everyone forgets after a while.
Bring out the RAINBOW:Don’t let it shake your confidence. You will have many moments in life when you will be the centre of everyone’s attention in a good way. So for now, it’s best to laugh with them. Sometimes it even works better to point out your mistakes yourself. Believe it or not that will take away some of their fun. And remember not to make anyone else feel this way when they stumble and fall.
Well, this conversation could be endless as there are too many emotions to account for. But it was bedtime and as I left their room, I admit, I felt a small measure of satisfaction on having fulfilled yet another duty as a mum!! Ironically, this smugness didn’t last very long. Because the very next day I was experiencing a thunderstorm of ‘grey’ emotions and was raving and ranting (like a borderline lunatic) at a taxi driver who had recklessly reversed his cab into my car, leaving a huge dent in it.While I was still seething, my son asked me what was wrong. Deciding that after our talk the previous night, it was best to honestly confide in him and see how he assessed my anger.But he just looked at me calmly with all his nine year old wisdom and said, “just do what I do when I feel ‘grey’, mom…..I get quiet and bear it”!Well, that pretty much sums it up! No matter how hard we parents struggle to protect our children from the worst, we cannot always succeed. But we do our best to prepare them and it’s always a relief to see that they know exactly what to do. Not just that, (and no surprises here)….they even teach us a thing or two!!
Sunset Effect - Nitya Satyani 