I’m Ok…You’re OK

That’s all any parent ever really wants. We overthink, overanalyze and stress constantly about everything from our choice of name, where we stay, bottle and diaper brands, school, medicines…. After all, every single decision we make has the potential of affecting our baby’s life forever.

If we think about it, it’s too great a responsibility to bear and at some point or another, most of us do not feel qualified enough to handle it which is when we turn to anyone and everyone who will listen and help us feel our way out of a situation – the internet, our mothers and grandmothers, other mums.

I still remember, I once had a fifteen minute conversation with a complete stranger in the park, because, after the birth of my daughter I was guilt stricken over not being able to do as much for her as I did for my son, but at the same time I was also stressing over how much I had had to cut down on my time with him now.

At the end of that conversation, I was relieved to know I wasn’t the only one feeling like that (since the other mum I was talking to brought it up in the first place.) I never found out her name, now seven years later I can barely recall what she looked like. So it was rather bizarre of me, to bare my soul and darkest secret to a complete stranger (it certainly felt like that, during that ‘magical’ post­partum phase). And yet, she did the same too, as I’m sure many, many women all over the world do. And I admit, that wasn’t the first and last time for me either.

It’s because we are that overwhelmed.

It’s also because we have a truant mind that can think. And when it does, it does more damage than good.

If only we didn’t have a brain, we would know for sure that the way…rather, the only way, to raise our children is, as animals do….purely, completely 100% instinct driven.

Because animals can’t think and plan, they don’t feel the need to be in control. They don’t overthink and stress about how to keep their children safe, they don’t acquire wealth, build shelters, install CCTV cameras to detect the presence of predators. Yet, when there is one, they usually know how to protect their young. Because they follow their instinct.

And over the years, I’ve often found, that after all my worrying and fretting over decisions both trivial and life altering, it’s always the ones that came naturally and felt right to me that were best for my baby. It’s true when they say ‘A mother knows best,” at least for her own child.

Usually, our decision in each situation is spontaneous. It’s when we have to defend that decision or offer justification to any third person, or when we compare ourselves to other mums and carry the burden of guilt, that we make parenting more difficult for ourselves. When ideally, it should be a completely organic process and a joy all the way. I can say so from personal experience.

Over the years, I have received so much contradicting advice and participated in many a great debate on the merits of bottle milk v/s breast, vaccinations, massaging my baby v/s not, on being a working mom v/s a stay at home mom, or the right age for our children to start school….

I wish I could say each one of my decisions were correct. They were, yet at the same time maybe they were not! But the point is, I learnt one very important lesson from them.

It. Does. Not. Matter.

There is no decision that I can possible take, that is not right for my children.

Milk v/s bottle (it does not matter. Both are perfectly ok)

Right age to start playschool (6 months here or there…again…does not matter)

Working mom or stay at home mom (again, children will adapt, adjust and thrive either way. They’re resilient that way.)

It takes all sorts to make this world. So if every single parent took exactly the same decisions for their children, raised them identically, our world would collapse. Some need to push their children to work extremely hard and have the discipline to become scientists and doctors; while others need to give their children the freedom to grow at their own pace because the world needs artists and poets who take time to smell the flowers. And more often than not, our children surprise us and bring their own personalities to the table. Like the doctor who quit to become an actor or an author who later got his Phd.

So what is required from us, really, is to contribute to this world by following our own instincts, enjoy the growth of our children and have their best interests at heart.