Newborn, baby, infant, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen. We have coined so many terms for our children, that we call them everything but what they are…people. The biggest mistake adults make is that we forget children are individuals. And that is probably why parenting shelves in bookstores are crammed with books on how to discipline your child.Yelling, threatening, bribing smacking and worse even begging- different parents swear by different disciplinary tactics. And many use them all. In those moments of helpless desperation when your child refuses to dress for school or seals his mouth shut when he needs to brush, refuses to apologise when he hits his friend or insists on wearing shoes two sizes too big in public – he really is asking for it. Its a crunch situation, if no action is taken then it means he will be out of control forever, and he will never know who is boss.
Do we ever stop to listen to ourselves? Boss, control, out of hand are the resounding words – why do adults try so hard to control a child? Why do we need to have the upper hand so bad? And just because others do so, does it make it ok? We have to remember its adults who write parenting books. Maybe its time we got the child’s opinion. Have them write a book on ‘how to discipline me’. The problem here is that adults set the rules, so for the children its a losing battle from the start.
Finish your food or else…Come home right now or I’m going without you…If you don’t turn off the tv no chocolates for you…If you don’t finish writing we’ll keep you back in school. And if all these threats don’t work then smack!!
Let’s stop to think for a moment. Would we ever smack another adult if they didn’t agree with us? Then what makes us think its ok to do it to a child? We do it because we can. Because we are bigger and stronger and the law let’s us get away with it. Agreed parenting can be a frustrating, thankless job. And disciplining is the toughest part. Of course children need to be taught the rules or they will run amok in our dignified society with all eyes judging the parents. But can we adults remember one golden rule- children are people too. And people have minds of their own. Even if they are too little to express it.
Another major character trait about people is that they possess an ego. Children have egos too. That causes them to revolt when reprimanded, feel humiliated when scolded in public, that triggers them to test the limits and challenge those who set the rules. But no matter how much this tries the parents’ patience we have to ask ourselves this, are the children who get routinely beaten better behaved than those who don’t?
Most often not! Because they learn very early in life that its ok to hit others, it’s a tool to bully those weaker than you, and they do just that. These are the children who then become the park bullies, the school’s terrors. And then get beaten up some more for their behaviour.
Confused?! Well so are they.Their parents are often found wondering, ‘what more can we do? Even after getting a beating he still doesn’t learn’. They probably should wonder what it is that they shouldn’t do? He’s obviously learning too much- he’s learning by example that physical violence is acceptable.
Parenting is one hundred per cent instinct driven. Each child is an individual and every parent is different. So there can never be any set rules. But there are some guidelines that may help-:
1) Think from his point of view. Why is he doing a particular thing. Children aren’t devious. They won’t deliberately do something to hurt adults. If he insists on running on the road without holding hands, or swimming without arm bands its dangerous but he’s got his reasons for being defiant. He wants to grow up! Children want to be adults soon. That is why they pretend to cook, drive, fly an air craft. That is also why they walk without holding hands on the road.If we understand their motive we might find it easier to explain.
2) Let him take some decisions and assert his independence. Its a part of growing up like walking and talking and cannot be curbed.
3) Pick your battles. If he doesn’t brush his teeth stand there and insist he does. But if his shoes don’t match the trousers, let it go. Its worth the satisfaction he has of having made his own decision.
4) Never pass on your fears. ‘You’ll fall if you jump, don’t run on the grass insects will bite, don’t go out on the rain you’ll catch a cold.’ Remember the weather forecasts that predict heavy rain and flooding and then it turns out to be a bright sunny day. After a point people stop paying attention to the forecasts and it becomes a standing joke. Get the point? You maybe right sometime and he may hurt himself if he falls once but by then he may have stopped paying attention to your advice. Instead encourage his courage to try, applaud his small victories that are important to him.
5) Never bribe- innocent children do not need to be introduced to the concept of corruption. They do not need to believe that reward is the only motivation for being good.
6)Do pay them – compliments that is for being good. Appreciate his small gestures, notice when he does something right and congratulate him on it. That way when you have to correct him, you won’t be the parent who always nags.
7) Always be honest with your child if you expect honesty in return. If you’re wrong apologise, if you don’t have an answer admit it. Don’t make up an answer and misguide him.
8) Be his friend- build your relation so he can confide in you without the fear of always being judged, nagged, scolded or punished. Understand his point of view and his intent.
9) Don’t put him in a spot in public he’s bound to rebel. Remember and respect the human ego!
10) Don’t threaten and instill fears in him. He’s a child. He doesn’t deserve the fear that his parents might desert him just because he wants to play some moreBe patient. Its easier said than done
11) Stoop a little- to their level that is. Imagine how scary it must be being yelled at by a giant towering over you. That’s how they must feel and still they do their best to stand up to us. So get down on your knees first, make eye contact and then make your point.
12) Be a storyteller – yelling ‘don’t run on the escalator’ for example is less effective than calmly telling him a story about the time when you were a child and your friend did the same. She unfortunately fell and had to be rushed to the hospital to get stitches on her legs because the metal cut her!It doesn’t matter if you never actually went on an escalator until you were 20. The point is to explain to him the consequences without actually reprimanding him. And children best relate to story characters.To sum up, explaining ‘why’ something should or shouldn’t be done greatly outweighs you instructing ‘what’ needs to be done!
Sunset Effect - Nitya Satyani 